Newlyweds: In The Dark
Virtues are formed by prayer. Prayer preserves temperance. Prayer suppresses anger. Prayer prevents emotions of pride and envy. Prayer draws into the soul the Holy Spirit, and raises man to Heaven.
~ St. Ephraem"
Has someone ever come to you for help, then refuse to let you help them? They are so caught up in themselves and their ego, the truth can’t peek through?
Well, I encountered such an experience. Adam is a young confident man, a newlywed. Although, he’s never been married. Adam has numerous children by at least two different women other than his new wife.
Don’t ask me how he found her. In truth, Adam’s wife being a virgin is a blessing to their marriage.
The reason being, she won’t have any accompanying baggage to work through (failed sexual relationships, other men’s children for example).
Now, I understand from personal experience, how hard meshing one child into a family can be. Problem; Adam has several. Not to mention, with two different mothers.
Furthermore, this marriage starting, has the potential to become volatile (too many people in one marriage). Similar to merging onto an on ramp during rush hour (just won’t fit).
Can you blast, “Complications are coming.”
“Complications are coming.”
The Dilemma
Wives need extraordinary love, care and attention. A conclusion not hard to grasp. To exemplify, new wives, oh my gosh; multiply this by five.
New brides are fragile. As a matter of fact, they require continuous validity of the decision they just made. The decision to spend the rest of their lives with the groom.
In this new union, we have multiple moms, multiple children. Not to mention, the real possibility of the bride experiencing slight envy over not having any children with her husband.
Can you appreciate the predicament? The other women are one up on her. They have something she doesn’t. This intuition is natural (She’s human.)
At present, Adam approaches me with a problem. Sex is non-existent. Marital intimacy is a leaf carried away by a breeze.
Meanwhile, his new bride is all over the place. It hurts. Or, she doesn’t want to do it. Adding, I’m tired, because of work. In fact, any excuse to put him off.
It Doesn't Take A Genius
This problem isn’t unusual. I tried to explain, and bring to light the reality of his current state of affairs: In essence, suggesting to Adam; these are the problems I see. Consider them, so that you can understand how to save your marriage:
1) To many people, not enough marriages.
2) The odds are pain is present, but not something that can’t be taken care of by his assurance of his love for her.
3) A high chance exists, she feels neglected in some way.
4) He is carrying a ton of baggage with him into his new marriage. Either he’s unaware or refuses to admit the problem.
5) More important, he isn’t being patient enough with his new bride. She’s new to this and to him. Her body may take hours before she’s ready for marital intimacy.
6) He blames his bride and neglects himself.
7) Not enough prayer (for his wife, his marriage) A predicament such as this requires frequent prayer and sacrifice. So much baggage, coping is hard without help.
He Just Can't See It!
Again, to Adam, the blame lies with his wife. Every bit. In particular, the sacred intimacy part. He believes he’s an expert, and he understands the precise actions to take.
The problem is, he doesn’t know. In fact, if he did, his wife may not to give every excuse in the book to avoid loving him. No new bride does that. What’s her payoff?
How many newlyweds do you know of who are unable to keep their hands off each other? Right, none!
To repeat Adam doesn’t realize this point. If he expressed even a small tidbit of humility. He might solve his problem.
Not a surprise, a couple of years later; Adam still suffers from intimacy deficiency in his marriage.
How To Save Your Marriage:
Abraham's Story
Abraham’s the man! He’s been married 10 plus years. He’s rockin’ and rollin’ along in his marriage. Plus, he has cool hip hop kids.
He spends tons of time with his so called “boyz”. Playing pickup basketball games. As well as, hanging at different meetings here and there. In fact, Abraham is having an all-around toe tapping time.
He’s even going to Mass (Church) and checking out the big boss man (Christ) every week. To admit, Abraham assumes his life and marriage are moving along quite fantastic.
All at once; Bam! All stop mode. Wife starts having issues (not wanting to have a meaningful sexual relationship with him). As a result, the kids start acting out of whack. His home becomes a house of chaos.
What The Heck Happened?
Abraham contacts me. I ask some questions and get the story.
He tells me his wife rushes him during sacred intimacy (encouraging him to get it over with). Further, he senses her mind isn’t into their togetherness.
More important, the couple makes love at most every three or four weeks. Sometimes less. Ouch! Bordering on a complete sexless marriage.
Commencing, I ask, “What is your view of your marriage?” I find out, not so good. Thereafter, he tells me he’s complaining about her weight (No, no, no not the weight!) He did not go there, did he? Yes, he did (bad move).
Abraham, also told me, he’s spending a lot of time away from home during the evenings. As a result, he’s getting home late. Sometimes after 11pm. Meanwhile, his beloved is already sleep (having to arrive at work early).
Dang! Another Adam
Here we go again. Another so-called enlightened husband. The expert in all things marriage. Won’t think; won’t analyze; won’t listen.
Conversation:
“Abraham, man maybe you should drop some activities during the evening?”
“But Jerry, I have a lot going on.” “I can’t right now.”
“Abraham, I just don’t think your wife is into you right now. Maybe you ought to spend more time with her, and see what’s going on?”
“Look, the basketball season will be over in a few weeks. Then I will be home more during the evenings.”
“Abraham, that’s cool, but this is your wife, your marriage, we’re talking about. It needs to be first. It needs attention now, not in a few weeks. Your wife is giving you hints now, there’s a problem.”
“Look Jerry, I’ll talk to her, and tell her I’m done with the games in a few weeks. She should be fine until then.”
Again, He Just Doesn't Get it
To emphasize, this man has ten plus years of experience in marriage. And he still estimates, he can take his beloved for granted.
He still assumes she can wait.
Let’s analyze this for a second. In essence, what is he saying? He’s releasing a powerful message; the fellas (his friends and activities) are more important than his wife, his marriage, his children.
And we wonder how talk of divorce begins. The question of how to save your marriage always echoing through the air in today's society. How marital intimacy declines. In fact, it’s never immediate (drips in slow and over time).
In reality, Abraham is taking the most important relationships in his life; for granted. Falsely assuming, they will be available when he needs them.
Furthermore, he blames his wife for their current intimacy problems (in serious denial mode).
Second Request For Help
Now, sometimes it takes even the smart ones a little time to realize their predicament. Meanwhile, circumstances worsen.
Of course, after the season, Abraham neglected to change his habits. He continued the current path; taking his beloved for granted (using her only as an object for his desire). As a result, no sacred love (at all).
How To Save Your Marriage
Suggested Solutions
- Ask God to help you with your marriage.
- Repair your wife’s lack of security, neglect and unconditional love.
How To Save Your Marriage: INSERT GOD! - Show her by your actions, she is number one in your life. Not your buddies.
- Spend an excessive amount of time with her.
- After your actions have convinced her you have again, regained your sanity. Wait for her to approach you for marital intimacy.
- To strengthen your bond of complete and total self-giving, sacrifice your satisfaction for hers. Be sure that she has as many climaxes as she desires (before you Lose Your Cool).
Glowing Results
Abraham is back on track.
- He contacted me yelling, their love making has increased
- He has started putting his wife and marriage above all else.
- Once again, on the path to becoming the man God is calling him to be.
- Smart man!
- More Marriage help; the purpose of marriage here.
Summary
As men, sometimes we forget our mission; our duty, our responsibility, our end game (lots of distractions).
I didn’t do anything special. I just reminded him once again, what his actual purpose on this earth is.
To repeat, Iron Sharpens Iron, Only another man can sharpen another.
This is our mission as Christian Soldiers. To approach our fellow brother; be his friend; redirect him to the course; the mission; Christ!
To summarize and state once again, this course is about leading you down the path to Sainthood and Holiness. And, that starts with your marriage.
As stated above, you are commanded to get your beloved to Heaven. Even at the sacrifice of your one and only life. This in reality, is how to save your marriage; you embrace sacrifice.
You can’t be the man God is calling you to be without your wife; without your marriage. Furthermore, you need her. She is part of you; she is made for you; she is made from you.
Stay the course; persevere; Christian Soldier.
In This Article: How We've Rocked It!
- You've seen two examples of husbands in unacceptable conditions in their marriage.
- One choosing to abandon his responsibilities the other choosing the route needed to improve his marriage.
- Both stories should have given you ideas of how to save your marriage. Basically, what to do, and what not to do.
And Last, Questions To Crack Your Cranium:
Are there times in your marriage when you refuse to listen?
How has this leadership worked out for you?
What's Coming Next?
In My Upcoming Article We'll Focus On:
- We will look at why husbands continually fail in their marriages (and, thus how to make sure you don’t)
